I hate this feeling

Well it isn't all bad, but it's just not good enough. Been feeling pains here and there, not sure if it's postpartum hormones or stress or both. I'm especially in pain when agitated.

Right now I'm feeling on the down low. I believe it isn't the lowest yet cause I've felt that before. An absolute mess. I hate myself for thinking that. Feeling of fear that I might do something stupid. Feeling of emptiness, when surrounded by people but still feel lonely.

I've been there, and it seems like I'm heading there again. Could it be hormones? Could it be toxic people?

I don't know where to start, or what to do..

 Fucking hate this.

Unexpected

Baby boy, baby number two...

Initial plan was to go for check up on Wednesday, week 37 day 3 to see if baby was still breech and if we can turn his head. Then induce labor the next day. If not then follow up visit on Saturday and induce on Tuesday.

However, we didn't expect my waterbag to break on Tuesday morning approximately 8.15am. I had to go to the hospital immediately as advise by my doctor. So off we went.

Reached the hospital around 9am, waited for the doctor to check if the baby's head is down. Unfortunately the baby was still in breech. Therefore we had to arrange for a c section at 12pm.

First time undergoing a surgery. Was very nervous for the anastatic. I didn't feel anything other than an ant like bite on my lower back, then the whole lower half of my body was a sleep. I could feel the doctor tugging and pulling on my stomach, but that was it. In less than 30 minutes the pressure was off my belly, and I heard my baby cry. 

Seeing the baby made me tear a little, and seeing my husband feeling so worried was just something rare. He told me that he felt bad for what I had to go through, because he couldn't have go through it himself. Kiss and greet the baby, then he is off to the nursery. My husband waited outside for the doctor to stitch me up. It took about an hour, then another hour to keep me under observation. 

Lastly up I went to the suites to be reunited with my husband and baby. I didn't feel a thing on my lower body until 6 hours later, the anastatic has worn off. The pain was barrable but not pleasant. I took a painkiller and recuperate.

Day 2 was pretty much the same but the pain was less, I could sit up on my own and that was pretty much it. Day 3 I got off the bed and was able to check out.

This was a different but new experience for me. Never I imagine it would happen, but it did. And I'm pretty sure, the experience with this new baby wouldn't be the same as what I went through with Eden.

Expect the unexpected.

I am prepared for whatever the future holds. Loving my two babies and proud of being their mommy.

Intelligence

People talk about Artificial Intelligence (A.I.), but in reality do people practice intelligence? The act of using one's thought process on a daily basis to make decisions.

In the age of technology, many people become lazy and rely on technology to solve their daily problems.

With the recent pandemic and the rising cases in Malaysia, we can also see how human beings have forgotten about their natural ability to think. Rising cases, are proof that people forgot to use their own intelligence and acted carelessly.

I hope that everyone could just take a step back, stop chasing the material things and start to think a little more. There's no harm in thinking, the harm only comes from acting.